This is my fate

but i love him.

Fri, 24 May 2013 13:00:17 -0400

but i love him.

fuck you

Tue, 21 May 2013 17:22:43 -0400

Things I will do in 2012

Sun, 01 Jan 2012 12:49:35 -0500

-Visit Indy at least 5 times
-Go back to physical therapy
-Start going to regular therapy
-Make at least 5 books
-Take a glass blowing class
-Make hard decisions
-For every negative thing I say about myself I have to say 1 positive thing
-See my W.MI family more
-Send more letters/keep in better touch with those I love who are far away
-Let go of what happened in 2000
-Hang out with work peeps for drinks at least once a month
-Stop feeling guilty for wanting “me” time
-Smile more
-Hate less
-Read more comics
-Take more pics with my real camera and less with my phone camera
-Finish Jude’s “5 years” book before he’s 6
-Stop apologizing so much
-Be more like Joan Jett (minus the lesbianism and vegetarianism)
-Embrace who I am, not who I think I’m expected to be

Words

Sun, 11 Dec 2011 18:03:27 -0500

If I ever get a tattoo of just plain text it will be:
Go, then. There are other worlds than these.

I’m tired of caring anymore.

Thankfulisms

Mon, 07 Nov 2011 17:31:00 -0500

For the entire month, i’m posting things I’m thankful for and why. I need to remember why a) i’m awesome and b) things are awesome. So. Because Facebook is being an a-hole. Here are the first 6. The following 24 will have their own posts. Woot.

I’m thankful for:

1 -Jude - But not for the reasons you think. It’s not because he’s my kid or because I’m kind of required to be thankful for him. I’m thankful for him because he’s wicked smart and looks at the world through crazy Jude eyes. He has taught me so much about stopping, slowing down and noticing the small things in life. He’s taught me how to get out of my head and decide if what I’m down about is really worth it. Once, I was in a particularly dark place and I was talking to him about bad moods and not feeling well. He told me that we had to take a walk and look for rocks and that would help me feel better. He decided that we were only going to pick up rocks that looked like heads or faces and had to be small enough to fit in our pockets. So off we went, walking slowly through Royal Oak, scanning every bit of path, park and sidewalk for small rock-heads. That day was more cathartic for me than any amount of therapy i’ve ever endured. He’s precious and thoughtful, and I have so much to learn from him.

2 - Sloth and Crow in a boat with a piece of Swiss cheese for a sail - it doesn’t need explaining why this is awesome.

3 - My imagination - It often gets me into trouble. It often confuses me and gets me trapped in my brain. It often gets stuck, like a scratch in a record and the skip,skip,skip of a repeated idea/fear/misconception/anxiety can turn into a tornado of problems in my brain. It often pushes me kicking and screaming into very dark places. But more often than any of those things, it gives me things like #3. It lets me have dreams about rabbits operating hot air balloons. It helps take me out of bad situations and gives me hope and strength to make it to a better one. I may not be the most creative, most beautiful, most talented, most whatever… but I like the things I think of and the unlimited possibilities it gives me for my future.

4- Def Leppard videos - When I was 12, I fell madly in love with Def Leppard. So much that when Joe Elliott had a birthday, one of my best friends in all the world, Jennifer Shields, and I threw him a birthday party. We made a British flag cake and everything. (but, in lieu of sugar, we used powdered sugar and the cake turned out completely gross.) We used to stay up all night on Saturday nights watching headbangers ball just to hopefully catch one of their videos. We would watch their tapes over and over, rewinding and pausing our favorite moments. And this was on vhs, so it wasn’t like the pause/rewind/play button was very precise. We imagined that one day we would invent a machine that would allow us to “peel” the image we had paused and print it out as a picture. Eventually we moved on to better music (*cough* Morrissey *cough) but seeing those videos today still reminds me of those times, best friends, laughing until it hurts, where staying up past midnight on a Saturday was a special event, and all that mattered was friends and music.

5 - Being Stubborn - Just like my imagination, my stubborn side often gets me into a lot of trouble. It’s just a different kind of trouble. I do things just because you tell me not to. I do things just because I shouldn’t. I do things because I’m tired of waiting around for them to get done. You could see how that can pose a problem in normal life situations. But, I’m as stubborn as the day is long. I don’t give in. I don’t give up. I don’t surrender. I may stop talking during an argument or I may acquiesce during a debate without much of a fight, yet my brain is my driving force and it doesn’t forget. Oh no, my friend, just like rock and roll am’s brain never forgets. BUT as much as my stubbornness sounds like it’s a really bad trait to have, it’s not. It keeps me alive and strong during times when everyone else would quit, give up, check out. I plow through the challenges of life because I refuse to let something (other than my own brain) keep me down. I may fall down and collapse in terrible pain & agony but you can bet your ass that when that happens, I’ll be dragging my sad, broken body across the ground just so i can keep moving forward.

6 - Fate, signs, messages from the ether - Whatever you want to call it, I’m grateful for them. They don’t happen consistently or constantly, but they always happen when I “need” them the most. they can be as simple as me saying out loud: “The next song that plays will give me a sign about (whatever I need a sign about).” Or they can be as strange as dreaming about something that happened to someone but i didn’t know about it. For example, dreaming about someone riding in a boat and then telling them I dreamed about them riding in a boat. They’d say “no shit, i totally rode in a boat this afternoon!” and I’d say “was the boat red?” and they’d say “it totally was!!”)

I don’t believe in God as the great big white beard puppet master in the sky hanging out with his kid on a big golden throne, getting all pissed off when he thinks about the Devil, doing mean things to babies and stuff just because he’s spiteful, and so on. But I sure do believe in signs and messages and things that are greater than our puny little human minds can handle.

I will never look at the city the same.

Mon, 31 Oct 2011 20:50:04 -0400

I will never look at the city the same.

This happened.

Thu, 22 Sep 2011 11:14:44 -0400

I never had a car in high school, so I either relied on the mercy of friends who did or I rode the almighty bus. A lot of people get that “oh, poor thing” look when I tell them I was a Senior in high school riding the bus. I didn’t care about riding the bus, really. I was the first one picked up, the only one at my stop which was basically 500 feet from my driveway, and I could sleep for 45 min before school started.

The only thing that sucked was walking that 500 feet in the morning down the dirt road to wait for the bus to show up. It wasn’t the walk. It was the fact that where I grew up was country. my parents and my 4 neighbors all owned 10+ acres of woodsy property. Across the street was the ski hill. It was dark, quiet and spooky at 6:30am. One morning, I was walking to the bus stop when up ahead I noticed a figure in the dark. I couldn’t make it out really, and assumed it was my neighbor Jamie. I thought it was weird cos he had already graduated the year prior but thought maybe he was taking the garbage out or some such.

I kept walking towards it, squinting in the dark to see who it was when suddenly the figure grew taller, and its silhouette was very much not a person’s. It was shaped like a man animal hybrid. Imagine the transformation scene from American Werewolf in London, and stop his transformation mid way. It was like a deer man without antlers, but all fuzzy like a wolf, but muscley, but not MAN muscley. This half human thing stood there all crooked legs and bent hunch back, long straight arms hanging at its side, and it screamed at me. Not just a yell or a holler, but a bona fide scream. It was a yodely anguished scream that was also kind of angry at the same time.

I stopped walking, stood completely still for what seemed like 15 seconds and then bolted home. I ran faster than I ever have or ever will. I told my mom what I saw and of course she’s used to me and how I am so she wound up driving me to school, but still. I don’t know what the hell that thing was, and even to this day I am afraid of walking outside at night because I think the screaming wolf deer man is going to jump out at me.

THIS IS A LEGITIMATE FEAR OF MINE.

PS: edited to add picture for reference -

So I’ve gone crazy and have assigned personalities to the...

Mon, 19 Sep 2011 01:14:45 -0400

So I’ve gone crazy and have assigned personalities to the sauce packets at Taco Bell.

The Hot Sauce is the cocky one of the original three. “I would have chosen me too” - don’t we all know that guy? The only one at the party wearing a bow tie. Fire’s the one with the pretty face but spends more on hair gel than rent yet is always broke. That’s not surprising since he just leeches off the girls he picks up at bars. If a sauce could be a douchebag, it’d be Hot Sauce.

Then you have emotionally needy Fire Sauce. “Promise me you’ll text me in the morning.” You can smell the desperation before you even rip open the packet. This pitiful little sauce just wants to be loved, is that so wrong? She’s overwhelming and intense just like her spicy namesake. Poor little Fire Sauce, one day your prince will come.

And last but not least, sad pre-teen Mild Sauce. I know Mild is pre-teen because really that’s the only time in your life when you’re allowed to be THIS emo. “Free Me” is his mantra and the name of the poem he wrote in 4th hour history class. Free young Mild from his oppressive chains of suburban upper middle class boredom! Free him from the luxuries he’s grown accustomed to but refuses to appreciate!! No one understands your pain and suffering, do they young Mild?

What the what?

Sun, 18 Sep 2011 22:07:28 -0400

This is why google voice still has a ways to go:

Hey i think your mission is red and then i want to go to okay no and probably so i’m gonna summer mayans and then chase taxis into the sunset i love grover sandwiches.

What?

Photo

Tue, 13 Sep 2011 23:38:31 -0400

Insight?

Wed, 31 Aug 2011 16:35:41 -0400

The only person to really accept and appreciate my love is also responsible for destroying it. And me.

Which begs the question, is that what I deserve?

Krokodil

Sun, 31 Jul 2011 23:16:21 -0400

Krokodil:

“A year ago we said that we need to introduce prescriptions,” says Mr Ivanov. “These tablets don’t cost much but the profit margins are high. Some pharmacies make up to 25 per cent of their profits from the sale of these tablets. It’s not in the interests of pharmaceutical companies or pharmacies themselves to stop this, so the government needs to use its power to regulate their sale.”

I’m sorry but this is bullshit.
Profits are never greater than the value of human life.
But maybe I’m naive about the world we live in…

Background: About three weeks ago, I was playing on the ground...

Wed, 20 Jul 2011 21:45:29 -0400

Background: About three weeks ago, I was playing on the ground with Ripley and when I stood up, there was a loud pop followed by a searing lightning pain in my left knee. At first I thought it was just a muscle pain, so I did all the right things - RICE, massage, rest, etc. Nothing helped. So the pain combined with my average of 2-3 hours of sleep a night started me thinking ….perhaps it wasn’t muscle strain at all. Maybe it was EVOLUTION. By standing up incorrectly, I had unlocked the key inside of my dna that triggers your body’s evolutionary traits.

Obviously.

And for some reason my body has chosen to evolve into a werewolf. I don’t know why; I don’t question science. But science is fact. So here it is, going on three weeks of pain and I’m evolving at the slowest pace possible.

First it starts with one leg, then it will eventually go to the other parts of my body. I just don’t want to end up like Seth Brundle from The Fly. Some weird werewolf human hybrid for years….how sad.

So I won’t stop talking about how long it’s taking for me to evolve and how much it hurts and how awesome I am for unlocking this superior genetic trait, etc. I assume other people are getting annoyed by now, but I don’t care. I’m superhuman.

Me: Ow, evolution hurts! My knee hurts so bad! Ow!

J: Can you tell the difference between goat legs and werewolf legs?

Me: Yes! what kind of question is that?! Of course you can!

J: Some people will be like “No way, you’re Pan!” and other people will be like “you’re a werewolf!” I mean if you were wearing shoes, I guess there would be no way to tell…

Me: It’s a wolf! A wolf is not a Pan! And it’s just my leg! it’s not like it’s my whole lower torso like Pan!

J: Who ever heard of a half-werewolf anyway?

Me: I didn’t say I would be half werewolf. I said I’m going to be a one-legged werewolf FOR NOW.

J: (cutting me off) I mean everyone’s heard of Pan. Half goat half human.

(pause)

J: Your leg would look really stupid in pants.

Me: No it wouldn’t cos I wouldn’t wear pants. I’d wear skirts. I’m superior! I’m showing off my werewolf evolution!

(pause)

Me: I’m serious. It really really hurts. … and I am evolving. It’s scientifically proven.

(pause)

Me: Jealous.

J: You’re going to regret writing this down.

Never

Thu, 07 Jul 2011 14:35:03 -0400

When will I learn that just because you can’t handle my emotional intensity, doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with me.

The past proves only that I’ve chosen people who can’t handle it specifically to set myself up to fail.

“If you could kick the person in the pants responsible for most of your trouble, you wouldn’t sit for a month.”

Prague. You’ll come back a bug.You could maybe sympathize...

Thu, 07 Jul 2011 11:08:02 -0400

Prague. You’ll come back a bug.
You could maybe sympathize with my choice of Prague over Brooklyn.
(Grover offers her a cigarette)
I - I quit.
What do you mean you quit? You quit?
I quit.
I see. First you only smoke after meals, then just once or twice a day…and now all of a sudden you’re quitting.
You could come with me, you know.
What’s for me in Prague?
Places Kafka lived. Me.
So all of a sudden you just stopped smoking? Meanwhile I’m up to two fucking packs a day. Twenty years I make it through all that peer pressure. Suddenly, my senior year, you get me addicted.
Because you smoke now, I should too?
No. But what you did was snea -Yes, you should smoke too!
I told you I was quitting. You didn’t pay any attention. You’re a foul-weather friend, Grover. You’re not interested in me unless I’m suffering like you. You’re like a child sometimes.
Yeah, but if I was a child, you’d find that endearing.

(aside) Hey, Jane! Prague! Whoo!

Yeah, I’ll “whoo” you.
I don’t know what else to say. Do you have anything you’d like to add?

30 - A favorite song from this time last year Yeasayer - Ambling...

Thu, 02 Jun 2011 10:25:03 -0400

30 - A favorite song from this time last year

Yeasayer - Ambling Alp

It was so hard to find out what I liked last year. I have no idea what I was doing at this time last year. Time has not been good to my memory.

29 - A song from your childhood Steve Miller Band -...

Thu, 02 Jun 2011 09:56:01 -0400

29 - A song from your childhood

Steve Miller Band - Abracadabra

I thought this posted already. Oops.

When I was in first grade, I was on the very edge of the school district’s border. This meant I had to ride the bus for the longest - first one on, last one off. I only went to that school for a year before they redid the school’s boundaries and i went to the closer elementary school in a different district, so I have very little memories of that school at all. The one thing that does stand out in my mind very clearly is riding that bus for what felt like an hour.

The “big kids” on the bus always would ask the bus driver to play tapes, and he’d always oblige. There were two songs that they’d play almost every morning without fail - Jack and Diane by John Cougar Mellencamp and Abracadabra by Steve Miller. Everyone on the bus would sing these songs at the top of their little elementary school kid lungs, and I remember thinking “one day I’m going to grow up and be as cool as these big kids.”

Big kids. perspective. I think the oldest kid on the bus might have been 10? 11?

28 - A song that makes you feel guilty The Smiths - Meat is...

Wed, 18 May 2011 17:11:58 -0400

28 - A song that makes you feel guilty

The Smiths - Meat is Murder

I’m so sorry.

27 - A song that you wish you could play Jethro Tull -...

Tue, 17 May 2011 11:53:00 -0400

27 - A song that you wish you could play

Jethro Tull - Bouree

Back in the day, I could play a transcription of this arrangement (Bourree in E Minor by Bach) on the flute.
It was a traditional transcription, to be played as a duet. Safe and Baroque.

But, I have always wanted to play it like Ian Anderson. And I can’t.

No matter how much I have practiced, how much I have studied and been taught, I can not get his style down. Even worse, he’s completely self taught. He taught himself to be one of the most amazing flute players in the history of the instrument (in my eyes). Ugh, I love him.

26 - A song that you can play on an instrument Metallica -...

Mon, 16 May 2011 11:52:21 -0400

26 - A song that you can play on an instrument

Metallica - (Anesthesia) Pulling Teeth

I used to be able to play every note of this song when I was 15*. I was pretty good, once. Even though I can still play along on my desk to most of the notes, I haven’t tried to play this for real in years.

*I played it without distortion. I know, I know…but I couldn’t afford pedals.